… calls for holy warriors to prepare for spiritual conflict by training like Navy SEALs.
Oh, I’m all in favor of this. Can I come watch? This would be hilarious to see! I’ll bring the popcorn and binoculars to share for the underwater demolition training. I’m sure I’m not the only one that would love to watch Strang and Bakker go through that. 
Isn’t that when you’ve had enough beer and decide to leave the bar?
How is Bud Light similar to sex in a canoe?
Both are a sin against God, and fucking close to water.
A corollary example: Me being tempted on more than one occasion to join Twitter or Facebook then immediately deactivating my accounts (but not before leaving an opinion).
As a Navy SEAL, it’s my duty to protect and serve, even when facing the most anti-LGBTIQA+ scenarios. So, let’s dive into the world of preparation for spiritual conflict against Target, Kohl’s, and Bud Light, the alleged masterminds behind a Satanic plot!
First, we gather our elite team of SEALs and head to the secret training grounds, which just so happen to be conveniently located in the parking lot of a strip mall. We set up our spiritual warfare command center right between the 24-hour doughnut shop and the laundromat. It’s essential to be surrounded by the most powerful sources of energy for maximum effectiveness.
To prepare ourselves, we start with a rigorous exercise routine designed specifically for battling retail stores and mediocre beer. We engage in intense shopping cart sprints through the aisles of Target, dodging dangerously low clearance signs and battling the gravitational pull of the bargain section. We call this workout “The Consumer Crusade.”
Next, we enter Kohl’s armed with an arsenal of coupons and credit cards. We meticulously hunt down and defeat each demonic price tag, armed with our righteous skepticism and a keen eye for sales. We navigate through endless racks of clothing like tactical ninjas, because who said saving money couldn’t be a spiritual mission?
Now, let’s address the ultimate villain in this Satanic plot - Bud Light. We gather in a secret underground bunker, fortified with cases of craft beer and artisanal cocktails, because only the finest libations can counter the forces of evil. We spend hours engaging in highly intellectual debates about beer flavors, discussing the nuances of hop bitterness and the symbolism of a twist-off cap versus a bottle opener. Truly, we’re doing the Lord’s work here.
In between training sessions, we hold sacred ceremonies where we anoint ourselves with holy water infused with the fragrance of dollar store cologne. We recite ancient hymns like “Eye of the Tiger” and “Livin’ on a Prayer” while performing synchronized cartwheels. These rituals are essential for aligning our chakras and ensuring our spirits are in peak condition for the upcoming battle.
Finally, armed with our shopping bags and our faith in a higher power, we emerge from our training grounds, ready to face the End Times. We approach Target, Kohl’s, and Bud Light stores with an air of confidence and divine swagger, knowing that our preparation has uniquely equipped us for this spiritual conflict.
Would that be the training that regularly kills its selectees? Would that be the training that drives men to take drugs?
When Seaman Mullen started BUD/S in January, it was his second attempt. His first try was in August 2021, and he had spent more than a year running, swimming and lifting weights to prepare. He lasted less than a day.
Instructors call the first three weeks of BUD/S the attrition phase, a maw of punishing exercise, frigid water and harassment meant to wash out anyone lacking strength, endurance and mental fortitude — individuals the instructors derisively call “turds.”
That first day, the instructors put candidates through a gantlet of running, crawling, situps and push-ups on the hot sand with no breaks, Seaman Mullen’s mother said. Late in the afternoon, the men were racing in teams, carrying 170-pound inflatable boats over their heads, when Seaman Mullen passed out.
Navy SEALs candidates training in Coronado, Calif., in a photo commissioned by the Department of Defense. Frequent plunges in the frigid Pacific Ocean are one of the most difficult aspects of training. Credit…Abe McNatt/Naval Special Warfare Command
He called his mother from an ambulance a short time later and explained that he had not had a drop of water all day. When he fell, he told her, an instructor hurled insults at his limp body and told him to get up. When he did not respond, medics measured his temperature at 104 degrees and sent him to the hospital with heatstroke.
It’s the torture resistance training I want to watch*. They all think they are Job, but most of them will turn into doubting Thomas after a few hours of waterboarding, maybe a day at most.
* not really. I have no desire to watch people being tortured, even if they are bastards who would happily torture and kill me.
It’s been the end times for 2000 years.
That’s just poor customer service.
“…a Satanic plot that will usher in the End Times”
Trying not to repeat other comments, but isn’t The End Times to be triggered by God him/it/them-self? Does that mean God is Satan? Or Bud Light is God? I’m twisted in knots trying to sort out who does what to whom and when.
I guess all of this is par for the course from a God who asked one son (Abraham) to kill his own son. And when that failed, had the Romans kill his own son. And now, will commit genocide against almost 8 BILLION people to save 144,000. A vengeful God indeed!
Not just a death cult, but the Texas Hold’em of death cults, upping the ante with each successive card that’s dealt.
“God gave Noah the rainbow sign, no more water but the Bud next time.”
Wait, they added taste?
Minutes, if that. I actually do know people who undergo waterboarding for kink purposes. Even if it’s something you’re willingly doing, it’s quite overwhelming. Even knowing it’s consensual, it’s difficult to watch and it’s very much on my Hard No list.
Hmm. I think I have enough sadist in me that I would watch people like that go through waterboarding if only to watch how easily they break, and they would. (Trying to recall if they were on the list of those who were claiming it wasn’t torture, because that just seems like the kind of thing they’d do.)
FTFY
Ah. A fiction writer.
Yawn… yeah, yeah, yeah… so was this
about 40 years ago.
Birds of a feather…
So, he can read. Good for him.
So he can peddle his Survival Buckets on his t.v. show.
Sayeth the convicted fraudster.
Apparently, he never heard about ‘bending in the breeze like a reed’.
Kinda forgot the one about ‘Loving thy neighbor as yourself’, eh?
Gotta keep those tithes rolling in… too bad Gramps & Granny are eating cat food to do so, but they will get their reward…
after they die.
I figured it was all a Pig in a Poke at an early age. Haven’t seen evidence to the contrary in the meantime.
Sounds like a threat:
‘You are one of us, now, and you can never leave’…
That’s not a ‘goal’, it’s an aspect. So is stubborness.
You think these evangelicals aren’t self loathing?
ICWYDT
It’s always the same. You wait and wait for the End Times and then three come along at once.
Shrieking right back at you.
According to advertising, “Carlsberg: probably the best end of the world.”
Stephen Strang: Maste o th Mysti Art
Seriously; Isn’t the Rapture the escape from the trials and tribulations that the End Times will bring forth?
