Punch through windows, cut through seatbelts, and more with the $12.99 StatGear Rescue Knife

[DreamboatSkanky]

At that price, more like cut each other into SAVINGS, amirite?

[renke]

@boingboing

Typical weekend warrior stuff, right?

no corkscrew, no bottle opener - completely unusable for a typical weekend

[nemomen]

You don’t go racing down a mountain into a fiery crash and need to cut your seatbelt loose before the car explodes on the weekends?

[renke]

not without beer and wine

[nemomen]

But with this knife you can just cut the top off the bottle - no corkscrew/bottle opener needed. The StatGear Rescue Knife not only saves your from dying in a fire, it also give you a great reason to finish the bottle. You’ll never feel safer and more prepared while sitting in a burning car with an open bottle.

[Clifton]

This is going to be the best thread ever, and it’s all thanks to the StatGear Rescue Knife!

[OtherMichael]

These work great on airplanes, too!

If you can get them there.

[nemomen]

Ever been late to a flight and couldn’t get to the gate in time even while your plane’s sitting on the tarmac? Problem solved. With the StatGear Rescue Knife you can cut through airport walls, jet fuselages, and quite literally anything else in your way to find your way to your seat. Bypass waits in the TSA check and bring whatever you want on the plane. Pretty badass.

[OtherMichael]

Get two – one for each fist, so you can double-handedly slide down the fuselage, cutting a wide access!

[nemomen]

Ever needed to be in Sydney, Australia in minutes, but you’re smack in the middle of New Jersey? With two Quantum version StatGear Rescue Knives you can cut through the fabric of space-time to open a wormhole to get wherever you need to go pronto.* You won’t even have to worry about the size of your carry-on. StatGear Rescue Knives can cut you out of any pickle you’re in.

* Advanced physics degree and access to TOP500-class supercomputer required.

[OtherMichael]

Man, you better have your quantum-monofilament ready to stitch up those holes in space-time if you don’t want to have a major leakage incident, like the one back in '78.

[renke]

Romney needs one!

[OtherMichael]

@renke

Romney needs one!

Romney needs two – everybody needs at least two!

I buy 'em buy the pallet-load, pass 'em out like candy. “Here you go kids, punch through windows and cut through seatbelts, your mom’ll love 'em!”

They also make great paperweights, if you’re in a room with a lot of paper and wind.

[OtherMichael]

 

##THESE MAKE GREAT FATHER’S-DAY GIFTS

#DON’T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!

 

[renke]

I tried to combine this impossible good knife with a photo of Edward Scissorhands but failed. Do we have a BBS photoshopper?

[GilbertWham]

I am that guy and I have those patches.

[GilbertWham]

Band name AND first album title!

[Vert]

@monkeyoh

I bought the sea monkeys and was disappointed

Did you try training them?

[nemomen]

@Lying Sea-Monkey Ad

SO EAGER TO PLEASE, THEY CAN EVEN BE TRAINED! Always clowning around, these frolicsome pets swim, stunt, and play games with each other. Because they are so full of tricks, you’ll never tire of watching them… they require only a minimum care although they LOVE attention.

@Harsh Reality Disappointing You When You Actually Get The Shrimp

For brine shrimp, many functions, including swimming, digestion and reproduction are not controlled through the brain; instead, local nervous system ganglia may control some regulation or synchronisation of these functions. Autotomy, the voluntary shedding or dropping of parts of the body for defence, is also controlled locally along the nervous system.

Brine shrimp

[Skeptic]

@renke

no corkscrew, no bottle opener - completely unusable for a typical weekend

Why would you need those? It cuts through literally everything! Just snick the neck of that champagne bottle right off, or the top of that K-ration can from your grandfather’s bomb shelter. This knife has you covered - unless you drop it, in which case it will cut right to the center of the earth.