Punch through windows, cut through seatbelts, and more with the $12.99 StatGear Rescue Knife

boing
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I did! The little jerks just flipped me off and went back to doing whatever it was they were doing.

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But that’s not all!

We told you, these StatGear Rescue Knives are made of ultra strong stainless steel that can quite literally cut through anything! They’re not limited to cutting through mere objects in the phenomenal world,

Suppose it’s one of those Saturdays when you’re out trekking across the local university campus and suddenly you’re surrounded by a menacing gang of philosophers, threatening you with pointed questions about Hegel’s dialectic and cutting remarks about the nature of epistomology. Just flip open your StatGear Rescue Knife and in no time you’ll be cutting through specialized terminology and slicing away irrelevant distinctions. They won’t know what hit them.

Perhaps you took too much acid, and now you’re being threatened by demons and astral beings from the shadow planes? No problem - even if they’re purely hallucinations, the StatGear Rescue Knife will slice them into little bits!

Or perhaps you’re wandering in search of enlightenment, and need to slice through trailing vines of delusion to even see your path? No problem, the StatGear Rescue Knife can also cut through delusions, mental obstructionsm and dualistic thinking. It’s like having your very own sword of Prajña. In fact, you don’t even need to have one - it cuts right through any distinction of having and not-having!

Now that you’ve heard the good news of the StatGear Rescue Knife, there’s no having or not-having. There’s nothing to do, nothing to have, and nobody to have it.

HOW CAN YOU EVEN BE READING THIS?

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TL;DR - please cut to the chase.

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Of course not. Seat belts are for wimps.

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Which chase? Is that the car chase where the cars go racing down the mountainside and blow up?

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  1. Who cares, if you can punch through windows, cut through seatbelts and jump clear just out of frame before the final, furious fireball??!?!
  2. Steeple-chase; nothing handicaps a horse like a StatGear Rescue Knife.
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Right, right. Got to punch this copy up a bit. Let’s see, keep it relatable


It’s a typical Saturday and so you’re racing your million dollar racerhorse :horse: down the mountainside into a mighty horse crash and just in time you grab all

Five :sparkles: :star2: StatGear Rescue Knives :star2: :sparkles:

out of all your pockets and belt clips and punch out the Horse’s WINDOWS and CUT THROUGH THE HORSE SEAT BELTS AND LEAP CLEAR before it bursts into flames and turns into a dragon-:carousel_horse:-phoenix and flies away!

What do you think? Too bland? Needs the sex scene? It needs more explosions, doesn’t it? Can we get Michael Bay? We really need him to film the infomercial.

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MOAR ACTION PLZ
:gun::gun::gun::skull_and_crossbones::skull_and_crossbones::skull_and_crossbones::crossed_swords::crossed_swords::crossed_swords:

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Is the StatGear Rescue Knife available in spoon format?

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StatGear Rescue Spork?

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Absolutely not! Spoons are dangerous!

Ungoverned spoon possession will surely lead to spooning, and also to complex extended metaphors, and who knows what that could lead to?

Take no chances! If you see a spoon lying around improperly secured, you should immediately cut it into pieces with your StatGear Rescue Knife.

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  1. Is a StatGear Rescue Knife sharp enough to cut a spoon into pieces?
  2. If a StatGear Rescue Knife is sharp enough to cut a spoon into pieces, and StatGear Rescue Knife is used to cut a spoon into pieces, how will I pick up all the pieces afterwards?
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If StatGear Rescue Knife can quite literally cut through anything, does it cut through itself?

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This is great! It’s too bad everybody in my neighborhood has already asked me repeatedly to stop punching through their windows and cutting their seatbelts when they’re just parking in their driveway.

“Can’t be too sure,” I like to say!

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If I get two, can I cut through my StatGear Rescue Knife with my StatGear Rescue Knife?

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#Don’t cross the streams!

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How else would you sharpen a StatGear Rescue Knife but with another StatGear Rescue Knife? This knife is way more than just a blade and handle, it’s a bona fide sharpening beast. You can sharpen any blade to a cutting edge so perfect it’s bananas. As an added bonus you cut right through any argument for the superiority of belt grinders as sharpeners and win every argument on the Internet stat.

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At least my StatGear Rescue Knife was cheaper than the Large Hadron Collider.

I just cut the protons up until I had a Higgs boson.

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The crazy-bananas awesome part of sharpening a StatGear Rescue Knife is that you can sharpen it with a banana - just look at it!

 

BONUS: the banana itself becomes super-sharp!!!

WARNING: the image below contains Musa acuminata-related violence, and may not be suitable for viewers currently suffering from the “bunchy top” virus.

 

http://i.imgur.com/ezOTisa.gif(image larger than 4 MB)

This gif is from the Tollywood film Singam 1 2 3.

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