Septic masculinity: when homophobia prevents men from literally wiping their own asses


Originally published at:


What the everloving fuck is wrong with people? Clean your bloody arse for fucks sake.


No, see, fuck’s sake is why they don’t.

Or something.


tell me reddit, is this a deal breaker?


So when I call one of these guys a shitty person, meaning it figuratively, it might be literally true as well. Wow.


How about a high power bidet seat? Or is spraying water on your bunghole too “gay?”


My dad used to describe people who seemed excessively stupid as, “Doesn’t have enough brains to wipe their ass!” Apparently, this insulting description wasn’t at all over the top.


In my friend group we describe men like this as suffering from “straight butt”, pronounced now how you would say “straight trippin”, but how you would say someone is “straight” (there was some debate about this)

“Yeah, he’s got straight-butt”


Yeah… I think that might be a deal breaker.
Also, we’re looking at a ‘waiting until marriage before having sex’ scenario here aren’t we?


Hilarious. And one day they’ll start dying from dysentery.

(That’s the one where a person dies from an intestinal infection that blocks their poop chute, right?)


No, the opposite. Spectacularly so.


And to think that I was told that my Threnody for Achilles’ Prostate was going too far…




I feel like the first guy got lumped in a bit undeservedly… This is one of those things that isn’t really taught in detail at any point and I suppose there will be individual oddities.

Plus, sitting down on that freaking cold porcelain at night his whole life is enough of a punishment in and of itself.


How is this not taught? Was he raised in the woods or in some place that didn’t have indoor plumbing? Do none of these yoyos understand the function of the roll of paper that’s generally found nearby? Did no one ever do their laundry and remark on the state of it?

Seems like some toxic parenting is at work here…


This is a good thing. Ladies, be glad you found out sooner rather than later.


Uh. Pretty sure that my parents taught me how to use a toilet. It’s what I do with my kid, down to closing the lid and peeing while standing only at urinals. (Which I vastly prefer to sitting down, thankfully more and more homes come with those nowadays).


To be fair, a dairy intolerance often contributes. As to the crushing levels of denial, that’s where I figure the toxic parenting comes in.


Many years ago, around a campfire, a colorful stranger opined on the benefits of sitting against/leaning into the urinal while bringing the kids to the pool. You know, backwards. I’ve never indulged, but that guy, I met him.