Silicon Valley's $400 Juicero "juicing system" turns out to be a machine that squeezes slime out of a bag

I was under the impression that most of them also contained instant coffee…Which is how they make coffee more quickly than a drip coffee maker.

Nah, it’s just a matter of forcing the hot water through. Espresso takes eighteen seconds to brew.

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You know the price of them? They’re almost as expensive as that stuff that’s been excreted by rodents civets, and a lot more expensive than the stuff I get from South American women’s co-operatives. In this case virtue signalling not only gets you better coffee, it saves you money.
They remind me of Russian visitors (in the days of Communism, too) trying the English tea bag tea and remarking that in Russia that would be called “floor sweepings”. For them, bring out the good stuff.


“… squeezes slime out of a bag.”

Couldn’t that be flipped into a positive feature?


Oh yeah. I wasn’t trying to justify them. They’re expensive and wasteful. A really stupid idea at every level.

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I actually see these devices as something that does a very valuable social service, i.e. transferring money from people who clearly have too much of it into hands of individuals that are obviously evolutionary more fit. After all we belong to species that has chosen wits as its best weapon of survival.


This is slightly OT, but: I run the office Keurig machine every day without a coffee pod in it, because it’s the easiest and fastest way to get hot water for a cup of tea. Based on the behavior of the water that comes out, I question the power with which water is being forced through those pods. It seems like a pretty leisurely drip to me. (I’ve also tried to make tea with a Keurig tea pod once. It tasted like water.)

I seem to recall there being a considerable amount of digital ink spilled in the comments the last time this doohickey came up regarding the nutritional efficacy of fresh-squeezed whole fruit versus even day-old juice. The assumption in that thread, IIRC, was that these bags contained rough-chopped fresh fruit and veg that would be capable of delivering more intact nutritional enzymes and so forth than even the fresh-squeezed stuff you could get from a store, and that you were paying for the convenience of not picking out, sorting, and preparing your own produce for a regular juicer. If these bags are in fact nothing but fruit paste, this Juicero would seem to be taking those people for a ride.


I’m totally lost here - once the fruit and vegetables have been pulped and presumably in some way sterilized (pasteurized/autoclaved? irradiated?), why is it an advantage that they haven’t yet been squeezed? Why buy a pouch of unsqueezed organic pulp instead of a pouch of juice? The latter is more convenient (and requires a less impressive pouch) and the factory can use a really impressive press your grip can’t beat. Juice packs would be cheaper; would less wasteful and messy; require less hardware or effort; and likely more consistent.

I can understand the attraction of fresh-squeezed juice, though I would be curious if it would actually win in a taste test. But freshly squeezing industrially mass-produced processed pulp makes no sense to me.


Somehow I suspect that this is one of those products that got greenlighted based on a business model rather than based on market research. “We sell a high end juicer to yuppies. And we DRM it so it can only use fruit we sell by subscription! Our profits will be maximized both ways!”

If they did do market research, it was very half-assed. “Q: How is it better than a regular juicer and regular fruit you buy from the market? A: Um, it’s less messy. Q: OK, how is it better than fresh squeezed juice bought at the market? A: It costs more?”


Except this isnt even a juicer! It’s a “squeezer.”


You can get a pretty damn good juicer for less than $200. I’ve got one such model, it works really well.

That’s not a “good brand” that’s a piece of commercial restaurant equipment. From the top brand for such things. It’s a kickass juicer (I know a couple commercial kitchens that use them) but its way, way, way, way more than any home needs.


I’m reminded of Father Guido Sarducci’s invention on SNL weekend update: Mr. Tea. You put your cup, with a teabag in it, under the funnel, and pour hot water through the funnel into the cup.


You have to respect the audacity of requiring an internet connection for a “juicer.”


On the money:


I can see that. I buy Waring stuff for home use though, sometimes. I think a $100 juicer is probably all most homes need. Well… sub $150 anyhow.

I used to have a Vita-mix… I used it in a restaurant though making mayos and purees… I burned it out eventually. I loved that thing while it lasted.

I’m not a “juicer” as I find the whole premise pretty stupid, expensive and wasteful. I’d rather eat my food than drink it.

Everything I have studied on the topic seems to point out that juicing fruits & veggies removes the beneficial fiber leaving just the sugar - which makes it about as healthy as a can of Coke.

Water / coffee / beer and the occasional scotch is all I drink.

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Warring makes some home stuff. If I had the excess income I’d probably be buying their commercial grade. Shits indestructible.

Vita-mix is an interesting company. They’re in all your lifestyle and cooking media as the bestest blender. But all Vita-mix is, is a commercial grade blender re-marketed as a high end home good (at the exact same price). Restaurants were using them things for decades before anyone else even knew they were a thing. And they’re really no better or no worse than Waring’s commercial blenders, and the Warings are sometimes cheaper.


Hats off to these salesmen! They just convinced people to buy a $400 status symbol. Only the best DRM protected “juizces” for my family. But is a K cup not just a teaspoon full of coffee in a plastic cup? It is the same damn thing. It is like someone saw an espresso machine and said “How can we charge a customer for every time they use this?” Then they made a shittier version of an espresso machine. AMERICAN INGENUITY! The emperor wears no clothes.


From the article:

“Investors are very intrigued by businesses that combine the one-time sale of hardware that ends up leading to repeat purchases of consumable packages,”

In this case, it would appear that the handle exists more or less entirely so that blade purchases can be tied to it and turned into that sweet, sweet, subscription revenue. What higher purpose could hardware aspire to?