Smartphone microscope and app for testing your sperm


Originally published at:


So what did Bob share on Facebook today…


In my sperm testing I have my sperm down to four semi finalists. I put them in a little jar and labeled it ‘use these for breeding purposes.’ You know. As you do with m&m’s.


Because it’s an over-the-counter product, Deutsch says the test can’t reveal actual values, but rather gives a reading of “low” or “moderate/normal” based on World Health Organization (WHO) guidelines for sperm motility (how well they move) and concentration (how many there are).

How the hell does that work? Its report is based upon real data, but you can’t access it? What a, um, load of bollocks.


Need to gamify this so my swimmers can compete against other swimmers. F2P but you can decorate your sperm ranch with cute decorations and holiday themes. :wink:


“YO is an FDA-cleared sperm quality analyzer for your smartphone.”

Shouldn’t it be called the “JO”?


Finally a new gadget i can jizz on


I see some gaming opportunity here. Like pokemon. Sperm wars or sperm races or something. I mean how many people would sign up to watch “Celebrity Sperm Wars” live streamed on twitch?


damn I see I’ve already been beaten to market.



Is this for like some Mormon version of eharmony? “Strong, Fertile, Willing”


But something tells me the female version is going to be a bit more “invasive”…

And then with a whole bunch of other data they can pair up the best breeders, er, I mean relationships.


Back in the 20th century, we tested sperm with a uterus. Happy to say mine worked just fine!


Wow. That’s up there with the endoscope iphone attachment Chinavasion will sell you if you have a pressing desire to look up your own bum. Man, Christmas presents can get really fucking weird when you live in a cyberpunk dystopia, can’t they?


Killer. App.


Motility, mo’ problems.


When I was looking for a USB microscope, I discovered that people posting videos of their sperm on YouTube was a thing. The comments sections on these videos… wow. I just can’t even… filled with armchair reproductive specialists commenting on “lol your sperm are totally inactive” and the like.

I wonder what kind of achievements this app will unlock?


I guess I just don’t get the point of this. It’s not like sperm is something you regularly need to check, like your temperature. I mean, either you’re good to go, or you’re not. I suppose you could track it over time … but that time is measured over decades, and that device isn’t likely to last that long (your phone sure as hell isn’t), and even if it did, with readings that are limited to either “low” or “regular/normal” what’s the point?

And if there’s a problem (which has some blindingly obvious symptoms), you’re still going to need to go to a reproductive specialist anyway.

It’s a neat project, but I don’t get it as a product. :confused:


I can’t imagine there’s much of a secondhand market for these either.


Good time to give some thought as to why you would never accept a used keyboard.