I noticed that the orange man was entirely missing from the headlines this past few days, so he said something headline-worthy today, then recanted it, just to demonstrate his ability to be deserving of Cruzā murder joke.
i swear, wtf is going on with this yearās election?? that a candidate of either party can say such a thingā¦ i justā¦
The horrible thing is that Cruz sounds so rational saying it.
Iām a human, and I approved this message.
This is nothing compared with former presidents, like Andrew Jacksonā¦ Although he said some smart things too. And was very self aware:
On running for president
"Do they think that I am such a damned fool to think myself fit for President of the United States? No, sir; I know what I am fit for. I can command a body of men in a rough way, but I am not fit to be President."
Man Kimmel seems to get the dumbest things said on his show. Must be a talent.
Toxic. Both of them. I also think thatās the only way Cruz is going to win this.
Itās only fair: this proposal is so rational compared to most of what he has in mind. Faint praise, yes; but true.
Iām not sure what papers youāre reading, but his one-day abortion policy brain fart was all over the news.
In summary, within a three-hour period yesterday, he declared:
ā¢ As president, heāll make abortions illegal, and if a woman gets one, sheāll have to be āpunishedā.
ā¢ Uh, actually, he meant that heās not sure. And that itās up to the states.
ā¢ No, actually he would punish doctors who give abortions, because women are victims.
You must tie her up and give her a good spanking!
Iām KIDDING. Kidding, people. Just joking around- you know? Like people do?
KIdding.
Itād be a terrible thing.
Just terrible.
A real shame.
A shame if someone took this JOKE I made and somehow managed to take it literally andā¦ terrible. Just terrible.
Let Cruz flatten tRump, then weād have an excuse to lock Cruz away in some out of the way place.
Two for the price of one.
My favorite part was the little sub-headline where Carson attempted to defend Drumpf, saying that āhe didnāt have time to prepare for the question.ā
Really, Donald? Your whole miserable life up to this point isnāt enough time to form a genuine opinion on abortion?
I may be way off base here, but my vague understanding is that backed-over-by-car wasnāt the Zodiacās M.O.
I should really stop looking at Tumblrā¦
And then thereās Anderson Cooper telling him to his face that heās acting like a child:
Well thank goodness Ted Cruz is sticking to his promise not to sink to Trumpās level.
Of course he was already there to begin with, butā¦
So, arenāt the Secret Service supposed to aggressively track down people who joke about killing the president and interrogate them? I thought that joking about killing the president was actually a crime, too.
Sad? Fun, Iād say. 
There has to be a tshirt:
So many presidents.
So few grassy knolls.
ā¦thoughtā¦ what about turning the primaries into a lethal capture-the-flag contest? Each candidate could hire assassin teams, and the one who survives last gets to have a chance to be elected?
ā¦paging Hollywoodā¦
