PROTIP
Don’t scream so much; it provides an opening for things to crawl in.
21:07
Looks like a 1/2 can job to me.
Send her the photo posted immediately above yours… and with an insert of a screaming face in the corner.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
We were in Jamaica, sat in our living room area, chatting with the owner of the place we stayed. I went up to my room to get a book or cassette or something, and there was a really big spider on my closet door. I got the item, went back downstairs, waited for the conversation to trail off, and said to the owner with all seriousness, “Lloyd, get your gun.”
He looked at me, as you do when someone says that, and i told him, “There’s a spider the size of my head on the closet door.” Everyone laughed, and Lloyd muttered, “Get your gun,” as he went chuckling off to his place round the back.
He quickly returned with a Jamaica size can of bug spray, mon. They’re the same diameter as large Yankistani bug spray cans, only these are almost three feet long.
He grinned at me again and headed upstairs, shaking his head at my exaggeration.
[This part of the story’s best told in meatspace b/c sound effects, but mi do mi bes,’ mon.]
“Shitfuck.” Lloyd stated, as he met my nemesis.
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” [← sound of long-term bug spray deployment]
A pause.
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Fuckshit!” Lloyd’s always so articulate. Well educated. No, I’m not being sarcastic.
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
THUMP
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
THUMP
A longer pause
[toilet flushing, hand washing]
He came back downstairs, looking rather bewildered.
“I told you to get your gun!”
We all laughed, Lloyd rather more weakly than the three of us.
It’s been noted that one of the characteristics of fucking intelligent people is that they fucking curse a lot!!!
Two bug stories:
-
My grandmother decided one day to vacation in Puerto Rico with my older brother tagging along for sole company. Being 9 years old he was her oldest grandchild. She had rented a bungalow not far from one of the beaches. Upon their return from Puerto Rico, this from my brother: He saw a tarantula in their bathroom. He starts screaming… my grandmother runs in… gives my brother the “what’s the big deal” lecture… grabs a wad of toilet paper… then uses that to manually squish the tarantula. Happy it wasn’t me.
-
Lots of waterbugs in Brooklyn. Big ones. They are inevitable. I hate them. My brother and I had yet to graduate from uni, and our folks were close to a move of their own to Pennsylvania, so they acquired a nice single floor, above store living space in Williamsburg for my brother and me. One evening something woke me up, the sound of scratching along the outside of my bedroom door. So, half-asleep, I open the door… and there attached to it, at my eye-level less than a foot away is a big giant waterbug! Fuck! I reacted, grabbed a tee shirt hanging on a chair, used it to swipe the bug to the floor and quickly cover it with the tee. Tee’s ain’t thick, and I had to manually experience the thrashing about – the mechanics and dynamics! – of the waterbug Fuck me! before I could dump it into the toilet. Full circle to my grandmother and the tarantula. Not happy.
Somewhat disappointed to find that the article was talking about an insect and not Ted Cruz.
Maybe she could raise some Helmeted guineafowl in her backyard. These fierce birds eat even snakes and scorpions.
Man what a shame, tarantulas are relatively mild mannered. They look scary af but they’d rarely hurt someone. I wouldn’t be psyched to see one indoors but i’d go through the effort to move them outside, most other bugs i’d 100% kill.
I had a somewhat similar story to your waterbug, but in my case we dealt with a lot of huge oily/shinny looking black crickets during rainy season in Venezuela. One night i fell asleep on the couch and one of these bastards lands right next to my face as i was sleeping on the living room couch. I fell off it and ran to the light so i could end its life.
Honestly… yeah? I don’t think a millipede as large as I am would bother me. They’re like really long bug-cows, totally cute and harmless. Centipedes and scorpions though… if I found one of those in my bed, I’d have to move. To a different planet.
Exactly. Isn’t the rule that the smaller a scorpion is, the more deadly?
Now if somebody used this as a reason for having a gun in a bedside table, they would have a point.
That’s some scary ass shit right there, son! 
“I told you to get your gun.”
– MerelyGifted
Now yr talkin’ !
No. I’m with you. I would certainly scuttle away, but once at a non-bite distance I would love to study that critter.
I believe this is where the “Nuke it from orbit – it’s the only way to be sure” meme is appropriate.
This is from someone who scoops up the B52 variety of cockroaches and throws them outside rather than gunch them, and usually is of the live and let live approach to spiders. Things with a bad attitude, however, are not allowed to live or procreate.
You are far braver than I!
I did battle with a group of spiders who were having a party near the bottom basement step. I had to do laundry, and I am a serious arachophobe. I gritted my teeth, grabbed the can of appropriate murder spray, and headed downstairs.
There have been many times I have resented adulting, and this was one of them.
I refused to allow myself to run back up, even though it was mighty tempting, with around six big, hairy black critters dancing with each other and running around. I jumped over the last step and their party, and ran to the laundry room. This made them very angry, and one in particular ran after me. I saw it coming when I turned around, and let 'im have it. I have really good aim, but the fucker Kept Coming. When it finally stopped, I was relieved to discover I still had a lot of ammo left, so I essentially drowned the others, too.
Just typing that made me squirm, and squinch up my feet like a baby, press my lips together hard, clench my jaw, all without even realizing it.
Horresco referens!
My older brother is very much arachnophobic, one tone he saw a fairly large spider at his house and he decided to be brave this one time and he stepped on it to kill it. Cue his horror as he realized that a swarm of baby spiders started crawling everywhere from under his shoe
Why shoukdn’t entomologists be able to work from home?
