The 2017 Halloween Candy Hierarchy: Definitely Not Fake News

Originally published at:


“18. Placed solely to acknowledge, make fun of, and possibly undermine British opinions.Google it, but be careful (2012).”

Glad I read that before stating it should be near the top :wink:

Does it come with custard?

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Dear Black Licorice,

Please know that I will always be there for you.

With much love,



I’ve always been happy to have my favorites (low to middling popularity) not be everyone’s favorite. It makes for easier bartering.

Trade me your Candy Corn, Dots, Now 'N Laters, Laffy Taffy, Bottle Caps, Mike & Ike, Pixy Stix, Mint Kisses, Lemonheads, American Smarties, Swedish Fish, Gummi Bears…and you can have any of my caramel, coconut, almond, pecan, and weird grainy substances as trade.
Further up the scale is a little harder to negotiate. I used to dislike peanut M&M’s or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but I quite like them now.

Side note: Do any retail stores still discount candy the day after Halloween, or are retailers catching on, and not discounting?

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Seriously people, how many years will you include Chick-o-stick if you don’t know what it is? Also, why not just Google the damn thing?

Just in case you’re still too f-ing lazy: It’s a Butterfinger sans chocolate.


So this isn’t a survey of actual candy but rather stuff that people hand out to trick or treaters?

Even so, how in hell does spotted dick end up on the list? It’s a pudding for Christ’s sake.

Surely no one hands out spotted dick to children on Halloween? Especially in this kiddie-fiddler-fearing age.

Mind you if they do, does anyone have their address? I’ll bring my own custard…

(who said british musical hall humour was dead?)


And they were right.




If I can hand out a jar of banana chutney (as a boobie prize to a kid who dared trick or treat to my house without a costume) then surely someone has handed out spotted dick.


Banana chutney…?


Thinks - “How have I lived so long without realising this is a thing that one can make?”

Thank you. :slight_smile:


Oh, they discount. Wednesday I’ll be laying in a year’s supply of candy corn. Suck it, haters.

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Not accurate, because you forgot about the toasted coconut.


Made me laugh so mission accomplished, but I also kinda want to stan for pencils, because every year I’ve given pencils to trick or treaters they loved it.

Mind you, I always give things like pencils in addition to candy, not as a replacement. I’m pretty sure the child death glare would kill me dead if i didn’t.


For me, Lemonheads and Now & Laters aren’t just sweet gobs of tart deliciousness; what puts them among my top faves is their change in texture (given fifteen seconds or so, if one can wait that long) to something addictively chewy. Highly underrated candies.

  1. I know what chick-o-stix are, and they are far too low.
  2. Whatchamacallit is a fine confection, suffering from lack of market penetration
  3. I suffered a deep, resonant cognitive break as I tried to rationalize:
    a. “Oh there’s candy corn, this must be the end of the list as nothing could be lower than candy corn” and
    b. “Oh, this is not the end of the list”

Candy corn is the blue cheese of candies. You either are madly in love with it, or believe they are spawns of Satan placed on this earth to spread misery and woe. I’m in the latter camp.


Ah Halloween, the one time of the year parents encourage their children to take candy from strangers.

note they forgot to include apples on the list.

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I bet the house that gives out chardonnay is REALLY popular. Hopefully, it is not the same one that gives out Vicodin. I don’t see that ending well.



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Two thoughts seeing this:

  1. I’m so grateful that, growing up as a Christian, both my parents and my church understood that allowing your child to dress up as a demon and go around soliciting candy donations for one day (or two) out of the year is not, in any way, a step towards becoming a Satanist.

  2. I don’t know who Jack Chick is but he is sitting on a goddamn gold mine of a domain name. (Edit: Okay, now I do, thanks to @knoxblox’s added link above.)

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I have recently acquired an intolerance for chocolate, which means I’m permanently stuck mid-list and below. I’d advise against others joining me here, it’s not great.

But, last week I purchased a bunch of full-sized peanut butter cups and kitkats to give away to the neighborhood kids. So I suffer but am nevertheless vindicated by this fine report.