The Candy Hierarchy, 2013

Originally published at:

The Top Tier includes too many candies made with inferior caramel and/or chocolate. Come on, folks! Think outside the Target discount bin.


Clearly their methodology is flawed. Few things approach the joy of biting off a bit of a Whopper, slowly soaking the interior with saliva, then sucking out the sweet, malty goo.


This should be at the bottom of the list (with mandatory egging and TPing of trees):

The letter states: “You child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats to the extent of some children this Halloween season.”


Does it include “Candy” by Terry Southern?

1 Like

I thoroughly disagree with the organization of this hierarchy and wish to express that view here.


“Coupon for eBook download of ‘On Candy Rankings: How to make website comments long enough for a thesis,’ by Donny Petersen.”

First of all, no one calls him ‘Donny’ unless it’s himself. It’s always ‘Donald’, and ‘Mr. Petersen’ is his dad.

Secondly, hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!


I never heard of a Spotted Dick before. They probably hand these out at the church a few threads down.

1 Like

Laffy Taffy is the best! I do not understand how it could possibly be in the bottom tier.

If Everlasting Gobstoppers were money and not gobs used to stop things

What? I thought gobstoppers were thus named because they stop up your gob (ie, mouth).

1 Like

I wish the article specified what she’s giving the skinny kids. Probably one pound bags of sugar.

1 Like

The target of the list is to classify Halloween Candy, hence bargain bin sourcing…

1 Like

What is this stuff?

I think that I sent it straight to the trash when I was a kid.


this list is so full of wrong every year, i don’t know why anyone bothers to mention it, except as click bait. …waitaminnit…

  1. I realize it makes no sense, but why list Mary Janes and Candy Corn twice in the same sector?

  2. Baby Ruths are the best of all the primarily-chocolate candy bars, so obviously this whole thing is invalid.

  3. OK, OK, Milky Ways and Reeses do in fact deserve to be in the top tier.

Troubling and illogical to put Baby Ruth so much lower than Snickers. They’re basically the same thing.

That woman is a piece of garbage and I hope someone takes and posts many pictures of the shaving-cream and egg- and toilet-paper-covered wreck her house will become.


In the Candy Hierarchy as printed, I believe it falls into the “anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers” category in the bottom tier.

1 Like