The Candy Hierarchy, 2013

boing
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Originally published at: http://boingboing.net/2013/10/30/the-candy-hierarchy-2013.html

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The Top Tier includes too many candies made with inferior caramel and/or chocolate. Come on, folks! Think outside the Target discount bin.

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Clearly their methodology is flawed. Few things approach the joy of biting off a bit of a Whopper, slowly soaking the interior with saliva, then sucking out the sweet, malty goo.

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This should be at the bottom of the list (with mandatory egging and TPing of trees):

The letter states: “You child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats to the extent of some children this Halloween season.”

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Does it include “Candy” by Terry Southern?

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I thoroughly disagree with the organization of this hierarchy and wish to express that view here.

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“Coupon for eBook download of ‘On Candy Rankings: How to make website comments long enough for a thesis,’ by Donny Petersen.”

First of all, no one calls him ‘Donny’ unless it’s himself. It’s always ‘Donald’, and ‘Mr. Petersen’ is his dad.

Secondly, hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

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I never heard of a Spotted Dick before. They probably hand these out at the church a few threads down.

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Laffy Taffy is the best! I do not understand how it could possibly be in the bottom tier.

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If Everlasting Gobstoppers were money and not gobs used to stop things

What? I thought gobstoppers were thus named because they stop up your gob (ie, mouth).

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I wish the article specified what she’s giving the skinny kids. Probably one pound bags of sugar.

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The target of the list is to classify Halloween Candy, hence bargain bin sourcing…

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What is this stuff?

I think that I sent it straight to the trash when I was a kid.

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this list is so full of wrong every year, i don’t know why anyone bothers to mention it, except as click bait. …waitaminnit…

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  1. I realize it makes no sense, but why list Mary Janes and Candy Corn twice in the same sector?

  2. Baby Ruths are the best of all the primarily-chocolate candy bars, so obviously this whole thing is invalid.

  3. OK, OK, Milky Ways and Reeses do in fact deserve to be in the top tier.

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Troubling and illogical to put Baby Ruth so much lower than Snickers. They’re basically the same thing.

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That woman is a piece of garbage and I hope someone takes and posts many pictures of the shaving-cream and egg- and toilet-paper-covered wreck her house will become.

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In the Candy Hierarchy as printed, I believe it falls into the “anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers” category in the bottom tier.

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