The Candy Hierarchy 2015: your essential guide to tonight's treats


#1

[Read the post]


#2

This was a perfect start!


#3

Swedish fish are above Vicodin? And cough syrup (the good kind) isn’t on this list?


#4

How the hell can mellocreme pumpkins not be on this list? What kind of people are we?!?


#5

No Mr. Goodbar? Blasphemy!


#6

This study is invalid due to the fact SweeTarts are not at the top! Blasphemy against Science!


#7

hate bit o’ honey? you are dead to me.


#8

There’s a typo. On entry says licorice (not black), but there is only one kind of licorice and it’s black. That red travesty is not licorice, it’s straightened Twizzlers.


#9

Clearly you’ve never been addicted to Swedish fish.


#10

The absence of “a rock” from the list tells me that Charlie Brown was not interviewed for this study.


#11

I bought these for me. Notice they are unopened? They are an unworthy gummy candy.

Oh, and the green apple licorice from Sprouts on 94th and Shea in Scottsdale is the best licorice in existence!!

(And you know I’m just messin’ with ya, right?)


#12

We just got a sprouts out near us. Me and the mini-me recently checked out their candy section… not bad. Not bad at all.


#13

Oho! Awright, now we’re in a fight.

Twizzlers are not red licorice. Red Vines (and their corporate brethren Red Ropes–just as delicious, ask Garth Algar) are red licorice. Twizzlers… I mean just look at their overpolished Plasticine sheen:

Something that can only make a Claymation mouth happy. Twizzlers are pod-people candy. Creatures without mouths or taste buds saw a picture of a Red Vine in a glossy magazine and tried to replicate the artifact using liquefied polyester, a fresh can of Krylon Gloss Cherry Red automotive paint, and six drops of corn syrup for what the humans might consider a “deeper flavor profile.”

By way of contrast, Red Vines are yummy. Nibble off the ends and you have a delicious candy straw through which to sip your Mr Pibb at the movies. And one can’t argue with the stone cold fact that every car needs one of these:


#14

(To be fair, I’m not a pibb fan… Dr. Pepper all the way)


#15

I, too, am a chosen one.


#16


#17


#18

You are all wrong about what you call “licorice”. This, my friends, is licorice:

You are welcome.


#19

How is licorice “not suitable for Europeans”? Have you been to Scandinavia?

May be a British thing though - although I love licorice, I tried “Bassets Licorice Allsorts” once, and found them disgusting. They had one sort in them that looked like a urinal cookie, and another one that tasted like urinal cookies smell. Wikipedia tells me that

Dutch and Nordic liquorice characteristically contains ammonium chloride instead of sodium chloride

maybe that’s the reason for the very different flavour.


#20

Liquorice is. That red crap isn’t. Red Vines being better than Twizzlers doesn’t make them better than awful.