I just strew them around the pantry. Bugs take one lick, and head for another house. . .
That’s definitely a consideration. I think much of the abuse heaped onto Candy Corn is the result of staleness. If you’ve only ever had stale Candy Corn, of course you won’t like it. At its extreme, dried-out Candy Corn is reminiscent of biting down on a mouthful of someone else’s teeth. Find a fresh bag of the right brand, and it’s a revelation. And yeah, somehow the pumpkin-shaped ones do last longer.
I like Tootsie Rolls okay, but I never think of them as chocolate. They’re just… Tootsie Rolls. Eating them provides no particular satisfaction, but assuming the Tootsie is of fairly recent vintage, I’d sooner eat one than not.
Twizzlers blow. I’m glad you prefer the Red Vines now, otherwise I’d never ever volunteer to take you to the movies, since I have an informal boycott against those benighted theater chains that carry Twizzlers in lieu of Red Vines, as if they were a remotely acceptable substitute. And I fear I must reject your pretzel M&Ms. One of the guys here in the office keeps an 18" tall plastic silo on his desk stocked with M&Ms, usually peanut, rarely plain, occasionally cherry (and OMG you gotta try those if you haven’t before… weird beyond belief but oddly compelling), and every now and then (until I put a stop to it) pretzel. Pretzel M&Ms are stealth disappointments. You pop one in your mouth expecting peanut (or even cherry, due to their regular spherical shape compared to the oblong peanut ones), bite in, and you hear the arid crunch of pretzel as your mouth fills with salt. They’d be fine, I guess, if you’re expecting them. But if you’re not, well… It reminds me of oatmeal raisin cookies. Most people I know like them; I don’t. But from a distance, they sometimes resemble chocolate chip cookies. And my mouth has known no greater betrayal than biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie when it was expecting chocolate chip.
I think I need a glass of milk even now to wash the memory from my taste buds.
And I forgot to mention something. The Candy Hierarchy from three years ago showed up shortly after I began commenting on BoingBoing, and it was in that Hierarchy thread that I met one of my favorite people in the world. Even back then I was mocking her appreciation for licorice and (especially) Almond Roca, but at the time I thought she meant the Brown & Haley brand stuff in the pink can.
Ever the wag, I added
“I swear, my family kept recirculating the same unopened tin from great-aunt to third-favorite nephew to unseen step-cousin-in-law for a decade’s worth of holiday seasons. It was the Petersen fruitcake. I didn’t think anybody liked that stuff.”
She went on to mention how much she liked Bit-O-Honey (and mollifies her dentist by refraining from mocking his mockworthy mustache), and I knew I had found my Candy Nemesis.
But then she sent me some of her own, real Almond Roca, and we kissed and made up, and now she’s one of the most precious people in the world to me. (She’s also right about the Roca, among so many other things.)
I owe a lot to the Candy Hierarchy.
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Pretzel M&Ms (and all M&Ms) are largely a texture thing - that’s why I don’t like the pain ones, there just isn’t anything to them. Neither the candy coating or the low-quality chocolate bring any particular joy on their own, and the crunch factor is a let-down. That’s possibly because of the whole not-melting-in-your-hands thing - if the chocolate was soft and creamy, the contrast with the hard candy shell would be nice.
Peanut M&Ms aren’t bad, but I’m not a huge peanut fan. Anyone who enjoys eating peanuts by themselves will definitely like Peanut M&Ms, but otherwise there isn’t much on offer - the contrasting textures are again a let-down, because the chocolate tends to separate immediately from the peanut, and you’re left with the sub-standard experience of regular M&Ms and the not-enjoyable-to-me experience of plain peanuts, and two wrongs do not make a right.
The almond ones are a little bit better because the chocolate sticks to the almonds, but I think they’d be more enjoyable if they were almond slivers in a chocolate matrix instead of big pieces of whole almonds.
With peanut butter ones, we’re starting to enter enjoyable texture territory. The creaminess of the peanut butter contrasts well with the hard candy and pretty-hard chocolate. And I think the peanut butter-chocolate combination taste is pulled off better there than with peanut butter cups - it’s less sweet and slightly more refined.
Now, pretzel ones. I used to be a big pretzel eater, but stopped after realizing while they have a great salty bread taste, they’re rather unpleasant after eating more than a few - very dry. But those first few bites are great - they naturally contrast with the wetness of your mouth, creating a great experience (I’m all about the contrast of flavor and texture, if you haven’t noticed). Chocolate-covered pretzels are ok, but I’m not a huge fan. It needs more than that. Chocolate-covered pretzel sticks covered with sprinkles and the like are OK tooI guess, but the grittiness of the add-ons kind of ruins it (and the fact that they tend to break apart and crumble all over the place). Plain chocolate-covered pretzels are better than those, really.
Pretzel M&Ms get it all right (though I think they could be a little bit bigger). The explosion into pretzel dust in your mouth is part of what’s great - and at the same time the candy coating has shattered, and the chocolate melts, and you have a wonderfully textured gloop in your mouth. It hits all the right flavor notes - chocolate and salt - of the more interesting candy bars, and adds the bready pretzel flavor, all in perfect proportion.
Now, I totally hear you re: stealth disappointment. But for me that disappointment is finding a peanut M&M instead of a pretzel or peanut butter one. I do like oatmeal cookies, but I definitely am disappointed if I’m expecting chocolate chip, which are clearly superior in most cases (though not when there’s huge chunks of chocolate).
I don’t buy candy at movie theaters (do you get candy and popcorn, based on that earlier discussion? that’s probably a good flavor contrast actually…) but yes I’m definitely a Red Vines guy. I hadn’t had Twizzlers in years, but tried one about a month ago. It was OK - preferable to many other non-chocolate candies because of its relative subtleness - but starts to seem disgusting after one or two of them. Meanwhile, I don’t buy Red Vines anymore because once the bag is opened, their minutes are numbered.
The greatest problem with Necco Wafers is that they’re a very old candy – Civil War and before – and tastes have changed. People now want fruit/nut flavors; the original Necco Wafer flavors come from a period where spice candies (eg cloves) were still popular.
If you can get hold of a pack of the newer Sour Fruit Necco Wafers, they might just change your mind about these. Admittedly I’m not offended by the old ones (as an adult; I didn’t like 'em much as a kid), but the stronger fruit flavors made them Actually Pretty Darned Good. I haven’t checked whether those actually managed to get out onto the general market, or if they were just being testmarketed in New England.
SSSSSSSSSSSS back, BACK I SAY!
Another year, another Hierarchy, another WTF? exchange with Donald, more tears of humor and indignation (mine), more internet smooches, and empty candy bowls. (It was a large gaggle of trick-or-treaters this year.)
I also began to comment on BB three years ago on The Candy Hierarchy. I’ve long since run out of things to say on this subject. Only one commenter brings me back year after year – Donald Petersen – and it’s not because of his infamous sweet tooth. It’s the humor that began in an exchange like this:
'Color me unsurprised. Chocolate covered cherries are the confectioner’s equivalent to a bucket of original recipe KFC. So very easy to mock, so difficult to publicly embrace, but if ever they’re brought to a festive gathering, they all “mysteriously” vanish, with only some sticky half-hidden guilty smiles to testify that they were ever there. “What? Cherry stains… on my collar? No, no, honey, that’s… um, must be lipstick.” (Donald Petersen)
I sat at this very desk with tears of mirth running down my face; I was sideways in my chair laughing. He was and remains one of the smartest, sweetest, and funniest men I’ve been lucky enough to meet, also one of the most maddening and heartbreaking. There is no relationship with Donald without strong passions. Candy, for example. In case y’all haven’t noticed, he’s quite passionate about sugar. He ain’t kiddin’ around… the rest of us are.
I think Mr. Ng and Mr. Cohen should invite him up to their treehouse and offer to teach him the secret handshake. Clearly, Donald is one of their order. You said more about yourselves, good sirs, than you said about Donald with your perceived slight in the rankings. It’s far too late to try to distance yourselves from his madness. It is you who began this dialog, you too who return every year with this thread, and I expect we’ll see you again next year with an even longer group of footnotes than before. It’s practically a thesis and it’s not Donald who authors this obsession… but I can think of few other commenters who have had as great an influence on our conversations here than Donald Petersen, and I, for one, am grateful.
I can’t DO candy anymore: I’ve come down with the Scarlet D on my medical records and pretty much have to avoid any more sugar than I absolutely have to.
HOWEVER., I also note that the candy list is pretty much US-Centric. No Violet Crunches, Cherry Ripes, or Flakes (which I discovered in Australia, ~15 years ago). Likewise, no Brit candies: Double-Deckers, Yorkies, or Mint Aeros. . .
Some of those can be gotten in Canada. (Canada’s history as part of the cane-sugar trade has until recently meant that they could get things with Real Sugar, where us Americans with our corn crops got stuck with corn syrup. That’s started to change recently, perhaps partly because the alcohol-as-fuel market is soaking up some of the corn production.)
Flake is British (and if yo’ve never had the 99 I am sorry) also I live in the States and have full access to all of these things along with Hobnobs, Pep, Aero Dark, Aero Milk, Galaxy, Lion, Maltesers, etc. Of course, I work in a kick ass chocolate shop that imports from about 40 countries. Regardless, you can get this stuff in a lot more places than you realize. So if you want to enjoy when you can you’d be able to.
Only with over the counter chocolate. Prescription strength American chocolates are awesome. Guittards chocolate bars all contain pure cane sugar. And Patric’s line you usually see no more than 3-5 ingredients. Ritual, two ingredients. And none of them is corn syrup.
Granted, you can get the good stuff… at higher cost. And that cost was sufficient until recently to create weirdities like Cadbury Creame Eggs being made by Cadbury UK under license from Cadbury US (now owned by Nestle or someone like that) and then imported into the US.
And to create horrors like New Coke and Coke Classic (which was not original Coke; they used that debacle to switch to corn syrup). Though Coke has been quietly moving back to cane sugar as the economics have shifted. (Grumble. Now that the real stuff can be gotten in the US without having to wait for Hanukkah or import it from Canada, I’m mostly drinking diet sodas. Can’t win.)
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Cadbury was bought by Kraft and it is now under Mondelez International.
And you can get the good stuff at reasonable prices. A flake can be purchased for a buck and a little bit more gets you a double decker.
As for the really good stuff, Guittard bars are going to run you anywhere from 2.50 or more depending on the bean origin.
Cadbury, Hershey’s, Nestle etc all use a small coco mass content (usually no more than 12-15%) where as higher end chocolates tend to use in the 30s and up.
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In our bowl this year, we had Snickers, Reese cups, KitKats, Hershey Bars, Butterfingers, Whoppers, Milk Duds, Nestle Crunch bars, Nerds, Sour Patch Kids, Lollipops, Stencil/bookmarks, Pencils, Coloring Books, and Sixlets. The night of treating is now over and all that’s left in my large cauldron of a bowl are KitKats, Snickers, Butterfingers, Whoppers, and Pencils. The coloring books and reese cups were the first things to go and were quickly followed by the sour patch kids. Of what is left, half of the pencils are gone, only two tubes of sixlets, a few whoppers, and a handful of butterfingers; I believe only 2 of each of the kitkats and snickers ever left the bowl. Same thing happened with the coloring books and reese cups last year as well. I started with 40 pencils, approx 30 of each kind of chocolate, 65 coloring books, 24 stencil/bookmarks, and only 15-20 of each type of sour/fruity thing. All were instructed to take three things.
What came home was mostly pretzels. Seriously, my little cousin got a dozen bags of pretzels. Full sized bags of M&Ms appeared to be popular as well. Someone gave small bags of “spooky shaped” mini marshmellows which confused us. Everyone in the house fought over the one fun sized Fifth Avenue bar and wanted to know where the person found them. He got enough candy to fill an average grocery sized reusable shopping bag. These were just the notable things in the bag. The bag was about 2/3 chocolate.
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Back when I was a kid, I had a paper route that at its peak spanned three distinct neighborhoods and 80 customers … and on several Halloweens I worked my way though that entire area. Nothing exceeds like excess.
Growing up, those little boxes of Dots and Lemon Heads were always the most coveted fruity things when we inventoried our hauls. They totally belong third tier, because omg, your hard-on for chocolate-like substances has to be pretty crazy to put stale Tootsie Rolls above them. You can break teeth on those things. Though, just to be clear, LemonHead & Friends, what they put in the bags of mixed candy nowadays is pure crap; nothing at all like the smooth sour then sweet lasting power of the original.
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Of course, though the prices for imported candy are really not unreasonable, it’s a bit much for passing out at Halloween (unless you’re Redd Foxx).
In my earlier extensive writings in this thread I did fail to mention the bountiful Canadian candies I’m well-acquainted with, having spent a lot of time in that country in my youth. In particular, Coffee Crisp is a definite top-tier item that I think is relevant to the interests of many boing boing readers. Sometime I’ll have to remember to try to find fun-size Coffee Crisps in Canada in advance of Halloween.
By the way, the grocery store chain Wegmans regularly stocks most of the popular British candies from your list. They do not stock Canadian ones like Coffee Crisp though, unfortunately.
We sell Coffee Crisp as well at the store I work at. They usually run somewhere in the $2 range.
First to go: Sour Patch Kids
2nd: KitKat
3rd: Rolo
4th: Swedish Fish
5th: Almond Joy (yes, Donald, I snagged a few for myself)
6th: Heath (too old-fashioned for the kids, I reckon)
Oh. certainly. But the last time I was in Canada, was in the late 90s. . . And don’t get me started on the horror that is high-fructose corn syrup.
