The Candy Hierarchy, 2014


#1

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#2

“Whoppers blow.” Really? They’re chocolate-covered malted milk…I can’t comprehend someone saying those blow while still listing marshmallow circus peanuts - now, THOSE blow. But that’s just me. That Whoppers thing…wow…mind-blowing…but to each their own!


#3

I agree with Lewis Black.


#4

Okay, Whoppers are a little lame, but the dark chocolate covered yogurt malt balls that you buy in the bins mixed in equal to slightly more parts with white chocolate covered pretzels is one of those crazy combos that is great for depression and or binging - kinda like popcorn and m&ms. But not really great for Halloween because you should get Halloween candy from the bulk aisle.


#5

Recipe copied…thanks!


#6

Definitely and individual thing, because both Whoppers and circus peanuts positively blow chunk.

On a related note, I will continue to disagree with @Donald_Petersen’s stance on candy corn. They are vile. Full stop.


#7

a) Peanut Butter Cups?

Fuck right off.

b) Kit Kats? I have to assume you’re talking about the British ones, otherwise…see a)


#8

Swap 100 Grand with Twix and this is pretty much spot on.


#9

An alternate way of looking at the desirability of peanut butter cups:


#10

The authors of this study are clearly idiots. Whoppers are made with malted milk. You know what that means? It uses malt extract as a primary ingredient. What’s malt? I’ll tell you what malt is!

Malt is the primary source of fermentable sugar used in making beer. It is warmingly sweet and delicious and if you have never had a malted milkshake, I would suggest you have never had a real fucking milkshake, my friend.

Combined with the lactose from milk, and the dark and subtle bitterness of chocolate, whoppers are only three ingredients removed from one of the great modern styles of ale: the chocolate milk stout.

They have it all: crunch, chewiness, vanishing mouthfeel, and a complex flavor profile.

In short, the study is fundamentally flawed and irrecoverably biased.


#11

Do Whoppers taste like Maltesers, or are they the same idea, but with nasty Hershey ‘chocolate’?

I like Maltesers.


#12

It warms my heart to see this year’s commentariat ire directed at the affront to Whoppers. I will say this, though:

  1. Whoppers are not great as a Halloween candy because they often come in those tiny little pouches with like three Whoppers, when you really need a whole carton and a movie to enjoy them properly.

  2. Whoppers require a beverage accompaniment because you will inevitably choke on malted milk dust.

But yeah, mmmmmm, Whoppers. And I’m glad that Twix have steadfastly remained in the top tier. If there’s one thing I’ve learned as I’ve grown older, it’s that I should have appreciated Twix more as a youth.


#13

Yup. But you can get non-industrialized versions at local candy stores or Whole Foods-type bulk bins.


#14

You all are missing one big thing about Whoppers. Freshness. If they are reasonably fresh and have a good crunch they can be excellent, but get ones that are getting a little stale or have been around a humid environment and they loose a lot of their pizzazz.

What really blows is when you bite into that one soggy deformed Whopper…ewww.


#15

The amazing magical thing about Laffy Taffy and Tootsie Rolls (from last Halloween) is that they will resume their semi-solid state after summer has passed.

Banana Laffy Taffy – an extremely guilty pleasure. I’m pretty sure that shit just hangs on your heart.


#16

Me, I’d put Goo-Goo Clusters at the top of the list, but then I’m originally from Nashville.

Caveat: I have not had one in a while and can only vouch for their past glory.


#17

“Omnes desperatio” is nonsensical Latin.


#18

Ugh, data/datum grammar Nazis annoy me to no end. Languages evolve, and using ‘data’ as a noncount noun is perfectly acceptable. Use ‘piece of data’ or ‘data point’ if you want to refer to a data in the singular.


#19

I think the absolute worst were loose whole walnuts.


#20

Great chart. I formatted a version of the footnotes suitable for printing on the back of the hierarchy chart, was a big hit at the lunch table today.

Thought I’d share it in case anyone else wants to print one of these out.

Candy corn is divisive to even those of us who enjoy it.

I love them, then after one kernel too many I hate them, then 20 minutes later I hate myself for having eaten it.