I honestly don’t understand all the offense guys are taking at this. If you’re not ready to acknowledge and consider the feelings of the other person involved, you probably shouldn’t be going to bed with them.
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Usually? Haha. Points, giggles.
It’s not easy…
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I wish my brother George was here.
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Can’t you see we are all the same - easily dismissing the other one’s opinions…
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Some people’s opinions in our society are dismissed more readily than others… It’s generally not white dudes.
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This could be a large complex diagram, but here’s the core:
(People who have been in abusive relationships
(People on their way to their next abusive relationship)
(No future abusive relationships (People who can talk about relationships)))
(No previous abusive relationship
I thought that was the point. If my partner was having a humiliating personal problem, I would like to think that my first thought as a caring lover would be to help her feel better and work through it, not to be irritated that she described the problem in a factual manner.
If your first reaction to a frustrated and bewildered statement like “this has never happened before” is to perceive it as shifting the blame onto you, well, I can’t blame anyone for feeling insecure, especially in bed; it sucks, and it does tend to make one perceive blame where there is none. But it’s not your lover’s fault that you’re insecure. Do your best to recognize their immediate need, and if they’re worthy of your trust and you can both communicate effectively, they’ll help you address yours in due time.
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The post does seem to be written from the standpoint of a woman with a lot of emotional dependency. Because whenever there’s a problem, it’s other people’s responsibility to drop everything to say exactly the right thing to chase away the blues, like Harry Potter with a magic spell. That’s dependency. Expect other people to quickly learn to say nothing, because no matter how hard they they try to say the right thing, those goalposts will just keep moving. C.S. Lewis said people like this are going to hell, with their martyr attitude of “I don’t ask for much, I just ask for a few simple things to be perfect.”
I do know someone like this, a guy as a matter of fact. I love him, but he spends most of his time being angry at people for failing to say the perfect thing to sooth him. That’s an “infantile personality,” for a whole lot of reasons, but he really does seem to be spending his life waiting for that giant bottle of formula.
As I was saying about “attribution,” there’s a whole lot of magical thinking wrapped up in this, specifically that other people knows exactly what they need to say, but they are maliciously withholding the needed comfort, like a parent that fails to deliver a 4:00 AM bottle.
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It’s an embarrassing situation for sure, but I have an issue with the idea that having erectile problems suddenly makes the situation all about one individual. While I would expect my partner to be sympathetic and caring if I was having trouble, I don’t expect to have carte blanch to say anything and forgo them having any feelings about what I said.
Granted it could be phrased worse, like: “That’s never happened with anyone else.”, but I would also think starting with honestly expressing how I felt, “Wow, this is embarrassing.” would likely go over better in the situation.
(Edit: spelling.)
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An honest question, do a lot of guys actually say this? It seems like such a cliché.
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Aw, come on. Be a gentleman.
The first time this happened to me, I was 22 and in bed with my best friend’s ex-girlfriend (yeah, very gentlemanly, I know). One thing stubbornly refused to lead to another. There were several factors at work: I was feeling pretty guilty, I was a little nervous because it was our first (and, as it turned out, last) time together, and honestly I wasn’t particularly into her sexually. But the absolute last thing I wanted her to think was that this was somehow her fault. I told her what was 65% of the truth: that I always was nervous the first time.
And it turned out to be prophetic. Several times since then, my first time with someone would occasion a spot of trouble in getting it up. But things would work perfectly fine the second time, so I never had occasion to worry about it overmuch. I’m glad I didn’t freak out and say the wrong thing, though. That would have been awful.
(Sorry guys, I started this post hours ago back when it would have been #16 on the page, so I apologize if it misinterprets anything that was subsequently cleared up.)
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The first time, yes. Now, it’s usually just, “Crap.”
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Whole lotta mansplainin’ up in this figurative beeyatch of a thread!
Yeah, I know right! What do men know about Erectile Dysfunction anyway?
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OK, here’s something else not to say when you lose your erection:
Look, I’m sorry but I’m just not into women, and this whole time I thought you were just cross-dressing. Wow is this awkward.
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There needs to be a gif of MJ running out of popcorn and like turning the container over to peer inside with a look of resignation and defeat.
You see, that’s the problem with men. They’re pissed off if they have an episode of PE and you start taking it personally, and they’re pissed off if you’re all “Come on, Get it over with! I’ve got 3 episodes of TOWIE to catch up on!”
I jest. Some people probably would be upset in both scenarios. I dunno. However the problem here is really an error of categorisation. Some men think X. Some men think Y. Therefore all men think X & Y - it doesn’t work.
There’s been a few posts in this thread that seem to come from the perspective that criticisms of the original article are generalised criticisms of all women, but I don’t see that as the case - I think they’re in the main responses to the article itself.
[edit] I then spot one example of ‘blah blah all feminists hate men herp derp’ elsewhere. I guess there’s always one knobhead to prove me wrong.
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It’s a pity that the word ‘hysterical’ is etymologically linked to the womb, because responses like this are far more hysterical than anything that any woman has contributed - and men who feel threatened go off the deep end like this in a far more extreme way. I’ve taken exception to ‘all men this and that’ sentiments in this thread but you’ve just gone full Tropic Thunder in the opposite direction.
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