But… but… it wouldn’t be Boingboing without the smug!
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It’s not about being a gentleman or not. It’s about creating obligations around sex that shouldn’t exist. In real life, in reality, you want to handle these things with a little grace and communication. But, philosophically, I find the article is not concerned with any kind of deeper implications. If a woman doesn’t want to have sex, or loses her desire for any reason on the journey to the wonderful land of sexytime, it’s not just gauche to throw a fit or act personally insulted by a woman saying she’s not feeling it-- it’s actually kind of shitty. On what planet would it be acceptable to press the issue of why it’s not happening and whether the person finds you attractive? Or, to create an obligation for someone to smooth your ego on a failure to perform?
Is it possible to find some common sense nugget in here that makes sense? Sure, but you can get that elsewhere. The way this article is set up, as the one thing you should never say, it’s setting up an obligation; it’s hardly nuanced. All it does is feed into the cultural toxin that is the idea that men should 100% be up for sex all the time and if it doesn’t happen then there is some kind of onus on them to assuage the situation. So is there a kernel of something worth considering here? Not enough to counteract the basic thoughtlessness of the article.
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One of the things I can’t get past is the basic premise of the article, that claiming that it’s the first time that it’s happened to you is making it about the woman. I’m pretty sure the last thing the guy is thinking at that point is whether the woman is worth an erection or whether it’s her fault - he’s probably feeling pretty naked, vulnerable and inadequate and is trying to find an excuse that leaves open the possibility of a second chance.
If you get to the cash desk without your wallet or turn up at a sports practice without your kit, you may feel the same way and you may give a similar excuse. It may not actually be the first time it’s happened, but you want people not to judge you on the basis of this one occasion when you know you look ridiculous. More acceptance on both sides can make this (and times when it’s not a good time for women) into a non-issue.
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“The penis thieves grow bolder by the day!”
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Trust me when I say this: there is way more than one knobhead. And us ladies who speak up here to dare to point out even the most benign forms of subtle sexism have talked to them all. 
Also I was 100% with until the deployment of the R-word! Dude! So close to a gold star!!
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For fellow followers of the melty man.
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Any time ED has happened to a partner, I knew this was most probably how the guy was feeling. It never even crossed my mind that it was somehow my fault. Men -most people really- try to save face if they feel exposed and humiliated. If he says “It’s never happened before” it means “Please don’t think I’m hopelessly broken and let me have another chance”.
Maybe it’s because I had mostly male friends through my teenage years: We went through a whole lot of awkward learning curves, inconvenient body issues and blows to our adolescent egos side-by-side, so I don’t feel men are inscrutable mysteries (anymore than humans in general). People of all genders should just communicate way more with each other and with more compassion instead of blame and suspicion.
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How did you find this forum?
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It never crossed my mind either, at least not in the moment. Generally I just assumed they’re embarrassed and we moved on.
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“Why aren’t men more honest about what they’re thinking? Why can’t men just say what they feel? Why do all men lie and tell stories? Why can’t we trust men?”
Meanwhile…
“Don’t ever tell us the truth or say anything in a blunt or forthright manner, and don’t ever be confused or emotional about how you communicate with us. Beat around the bush, spare us our feelings, tell us what we want to hear and for god’s sake make every detail of every second of every encounter absolutely about us, our feelings and our emotional state.”
This is the single context in your life when someone might express the sentiment that your having an erection is appropriate and makes them want to be around you. The One Job that would make all the awkwardness worthwhile…
I guess regardless of whether I think this is a plausible conclusion from the excuse or not, it’s worth remembering that it can be a time where the other person could also be questioning their self-worth - especially if from their perspective, this keeps happening with men who keep claiming that they can’t understand it. If that’s all true, you could easily reach the conclusion that the common factor is you. It could just be first time nerves, but both people leave thinking that there’s something wrong with them. This idea that our bodies must provide the appropriate response at all times doesn’t work in real life, but it seems pretty pervasive.
@Missy_Pants Sorry if that’s the impression you got of the previous conversation. I guess a crossover here is that if men could fake an erection, they totally would. The male UI just provides a little more realtime feedback, so it’s not as possible to bridge those times when you want the show to go on, but aren’t getting the same support from your body.
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Yeah! How dare men have an opinion on…men…
I mean, what do men know about being men, am I right? It’s not like they know anything about the heteronormative gender roles pushed on them from birth, and it’s not like they can offer anything from their background. If anything, they should just shut up and let women explain to them what it means to be a man.
Sooooooo close! He almost had it! Daing.
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To me its different sides of the same coin. In a society with sexual hang ups (thanks Puritans!), there is going to be confusion and misunderstandings and hurt feelings all around. That simply talking about this or that issue raises so many hackles and yells to me means we obviously have a lot of work to do. And we should talk about it MORE!
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You’re overestimating the chef’s interest in continuing to cook once he has, to his extreme embarrassment, announce that he’s out of the main course.
Yes, definitely. So, errh, whatcha wanna talkabout Missypants? Let’s have ourselves a little heartfelt dialogue. You can represent the rabid feminists and I’ll represent the MSM’s, oops, I mean the MRA’s while we rug-munch some MRE’s while we get our MRI’s to check our heads, cuz we all so craycray.
Or we could just talk about guns s’more.
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You’re mistaken in assuming that the chef thinks there’s only one main course…
If it’s clear that no shame is necessary, what’s the problem?
Sorry, kitchen’s closed. Shall we eat out for a change?
(just to provide some balance to the previous joke)
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Oh man, as a Canadian, can I bow out of that one? Cuz I just do not understand at all.
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You & the other farriners 'd be the only sane ones in the conversation. I swear this country is so cussing effed up. Why can’t Canada be warmer? The most southerly point is still above the arctic circle and next to Detroit.
Oh, btw, I dated a brilliant Canadian. She was a non-native English speaker from way up north Quebec and she was also the craziest person I ever dated. She went absolutely ape when we broke up, on an attempted career-destroying warpath.
I think all of you Canadians have this seething rage of inferiority under the surface and if we gave you a semi automatic weapon each and every one of you would stand there spraying bullets at babies, asking permission and saying polite things with every pull of the trigger.
Did I get your goat a little bit? I am trying too hard, I know.
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