It’s interesting how you repeatedly expand the issue and circumstance out to such generalities that they become platitudes with which few would disagree. Yes, obviously, any two people will have disagreements at times and do have to make compromises. But in my book, that doesn’t excuse keeping something secret that if found out, would greatly hurt the other person and change what that person thinks the whole relationship is all about. Basically, you seem to be saying that an affair (including platonic ones) are no prob, as long as the other person doesn’t find out. I call self-serving bs.
Wow. Surprised to see so much response.
Yes, I did hide it from my wife, but only very briefly until I could arrange meetings. I invited the girl over, then the 3 of us went out, then she invited us over. So my wife got to meet her and on multiple occasions see how we interact (pretty much like brother and sister). And in the end it was fine.
Why did I hide it initially? Because my wife came with baggage from ex’s who cheated on her. She was quick to make wrong assumptions, leap to bad conclusions, and get upset. I didn’t want her to feel hurt or get the wrong idea and get upset for no reason. And that did happen, exactly as I expected it might, but we got through it ok. We talked to each other.
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Thank you, jsroberts, a very good reply.
‘something else’ - a legitimate concern. Male-female relationships do sometimes shift.
Could be, but my wife has full access to all my money, and spends a lot more than me, even accounting for this. 
Truth. But everyone needs their own space/privacy. And we need to learn to respect that and trust each other. It’s especially important to respect and trust one’s spouse.
Actually, she knows and understands. She’d probably rather I didn’t, but she supports my attempts to help.
Sometimes, yes. It depends on the issue. Some things, I’d much rather discuss with my wife. But not all. Some need a different viewpoint. To put it in perspective, I never recorded my sessions with my therapist to play them back for my wife. Is that wrong?
Luckily, that’s not an issue. My wife knows.
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I see a lot of gender-based hostility here, that I don’t think will do any good, but suit yourself.
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Thanks for your response! To be clear, I was talking about potential issues that could be problematic in this kind of scenario, rather than assuming that these were necessarily true in your case. Sorry to make you the subject of so much discussion, and I’m glad to hear you were able to sort things out with your wife in the end!
Some things, I’d much rather discuss with my wife. But not all. Some need a different viewpoint. To put it in perspective, I never recorded my sessions with my therapist to play them back for my wife. Is that wrong?
Not at all. A number of times I’ve found that there are some issues that I haven’t properly dealt with in my own mind, and unloading them on my wife in that state can be unhelpful. It’s that I don’t respect her opinion or that I never want her to know, but sometimes she’s a bit close to the issue and I need an outsider’s perspective, or I’d just be putting too much pressure on her and should talk things through with someone else until I’m a little more clear-headed.
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It’s highly unlikely that I have talked to you or your friends. The few online places I might go to ask wouldn’t be populated by the types of women who are opposed to it, and it’s not a topic I am brave enough to broach among the mostly conservative (and married) women in my social circle.
My theory is just that, a theory. I’ve often wondered what makes (what seems like most) women feel they should oppose prostitution, and that’s one reason they might have for doing so. Just saying “it’s wrong to sell it” does not satisfy me as a reason to oppose it. Something has to -make- it wrong when done within a purely economic context, and that’s what I’m curious about.
Note that I don’t think a woman freely choosing to have sex for money is being exploited, and I think women who do make the choice should be afforded as much protection from harm as any other person would be as they go about their work. They do not have a criminal motive, their work does no great demonstrable harm (that’s been shown to me at least), and so I think should be allowed to do their work in peace.
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You didn’t read the entire thread, did you? She’s referring back to justifications certain man trollies keep making.
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Worse than dogs? Cats?
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Just watched Beyond the Candlelabra last night and it is a great look at this kind of transnational relationship with a lot of nuance plus some Good Lord the over the top Liberace crazy world. A fun watch and it will make you think about how these two were able to connect because it was such a clear “purchase.” Some people need that distance and control to be in a relationship, and each had their own control that was clear because they’d established early on that their relationship was a purchase and not really a “real” relationship. That gave them the freedom to let their walls down because it reduced the risk of emotional damage and appearance of control.
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Have you read about Scott Thorson’s life? The Liberace part seems to have been the sane, stable bit.
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No but I really want to now. They made him seem moderately normal in the movie but seriously to do all that you’d have to be so lost…
What was so fun was just how Liberace had the most gay lifestyle ever and yet he still had audiences who bought that he was not gay. It was just a hoot. I mean, yeah, you knew, everyone knew, but when you see how he really lived it was like, “wow, some people really like to stick their heads down deep in the sand.”
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Yeah, no, sorry I cannot agree that keeping an entire relationship, even if it is platonic, but that involves money, secret from ones spouse is an acceptable secret to keep. Thats not a little white lie, thats a giant elephant in the room.
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I have no idea who you’re arguing with here. I am obviously not one of these fictional women you think are opposed to sex work.
Your theory is sexist and unfounded, and you should revise the premise and maybe examine why you want women to be opposed to sex work.
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Agreed. At least it seems like in the situation in question, it wasn’t kept secret for long.
Little white lies, ok, those can be manageable in a healthy relationship, maybe. But something giant like that? No way.
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We are arguing? I thought neither one of us are opposed to the topic of this thread?
Maybe it is sexist of me to believe that some women (not all!) use sex to procure emotional rewards. I’ll consider that, but I’m pretty sure it is happening at times. This is a thread discussing the exchange of sex for money or other tangible goods, why might some not use it for a relationship?
One thing though, I’m not sure why you got the impression I “want women to be opposed to sex work.” I did not use those words and if I seem to have implied that I did not mean to do so. I “want” women to have exactly the opinion they think they should, based on whatever factors are important to them. I postulated WHY some women might oppose it, and I can assure you I don’t mean to make a value judgment on the women who feel that way.
I’m curious why you seem to think a woman who is opposed to sex work must be a work of “fiction” from a sexist mind, or the seeming implication that it’s misogynistic to believe there are women in the world opposed to it. I read an article recently about female celebrities opposed to Amnesty International’s internal debate on the legalization of sex work, they seem to exist. Perhaps I am misunderstanding something you meant.
For someone who isn’t arguing you sure spend a lot of words to tell me so.
My personal experience, is that I know no women that opposes sex work or sex workers right. Obviously I can’t speak fo all women, but personally, in my life, I have not met a single one, so my “personal theory” is that the idea that “women” dislike sex work & sex workers, is a false one, propagated by “personal theorists” and not based in reality, and it supports a sexist narrative that women are inherently anti-sex (that in turns support the idea that wives stop wanting sex) and supports our sexist society as a whole. That is my point.
What celebrities stand for is moot, unless we’re going to talk about Jenny McCarthy and the resurgence of measles.
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I’ve met several women that dislike sex work and sex workers (including my ex)… But since I don’t have a problem with sex work in general, I found that it was best not bothering to get into it with them to find out exactly why they disliked it so much (though they used judgmental words like “whore” and “bad person”, which led me to believe that any discussion wouldn’t be particularly enlightening in the first place). I’m not inclined to try to come up with any of my own pet theories, as I imagine that their reasoning for disliking it were quite varied.
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