Sorry, I don’t know why that was posted - I guess it was a form of butt dialling on my phone as I wasn’t sure whether to say it.
In any case, since it’s up now…
All I wanted to say was that the two tips that Rob commented on - “don’t allow her to ignore you” and “don’t allow her control the interaction” are specifically spoken against. The whole PUA culture and the other articles are gross, but I haven’t found that people (including women) who are doing something else are never willing to be approached. I’ve done it before for different reasons (very rarely, and never with the intention of dating them), and there are some people who are using their phone or listening to something and aren’t wanting to shut themselves off from human contact. I don’t really understand the idea of approaching a complete stranger with the intention of dating them anyway, but I can imagine that being much less welcome. Opening with this… well, at least you’re making your intentions clear, I guess, but even if a woman I found attractive did that to me, I would not appreciate it:
You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s hot, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?
I just hate this whole idea that interactions between men and women are framed in this way - more of an “achievement unlocked” than a meaningful conversation of any kind. Any woman other than a romantic interest is of no interest.
Maybe I’m just giving these guys too much credit, but to me, “negging” is a good example of how this stuff has gotten shittier over time.
A neg, as I heard about it, meant any way to diffuse the feeling that you were “hitting on” someone—a way to open space to talk without feeling that talking was a sexual advance or implicit acceptance of an advance.
Jogging or driving/cycling with headphones on is certainly dangerous - however unless you are a friend, family member, or a policeman, it’s not our place to stop them, make them remove their headphones, and then tell them not to do that. That’s asshole territory right there.
Daft male: Hey, are those Grados? Woman: [looks up, gives blank stare] Daft male: I have a pair myself. Great sound. I just wish they were less penetrable to environmental noise. Woman: There’d be less of it without people like you around. [returns to reading book]
As far as I can tell, this guy thinks every conversation with a woman should go like this:
Man: Says something Woman: Responds only to direct questions Man: Says something else Woman: Makes noises acknowledging she is listening but not speaking Man: Talks about himself Woman: Gets the vapours from his confidence
My friends who I’m normally happy to see and chat with have reported to me that when I’m walking about town or campus with my headphones on, I tend to be oblivious to their proximity. So they don’t bother me. I wouldn’t mind, but they’re working on the assumption I’m busy and going somewhere and don’t want to be bothered. So despite my willingness to have them grab my attention, they haven’t tried out of respect for me. Why do people think they can walk up to some complete stranger and gain their respect by acting disrespectful in the first place?
My two exceptions to strangers breaking in: Emergencies and panhandlers. One is practical, and the other is a price we pay for choosing to construct a stratified society.
See I thought a neg was a way to put a woman off balance (because she usually only gets compliments?) so subtly insulting her brings her down a notch to your level and thus she’ll be intrigued… apparently. Like this: “I don’t usually like girls with big feet, but yours look ok.”
Always relevant and I cannot believe no has posted it yet!
Couldn’t find your article, but this one is fascinating: Hambling-Jones, O. & Merrison, A. (July 2012). “Inequity in the pursuit of intimacy: An analysis of
British pick-up artist interactions.” Journal of Pragmatics 44, no. 9 (1115-1127). I would provide a link to the full text but I couldn’t find a freely available one.
And drive. Although the Deaf people I’ve known have told me driving is very boring for them, since they can’t listen to the radio while stuck in traffic. My last ASL teacher said he’d rather take the bus so he can read a book.
I used to always have guys pull the “omg those aren’t your real eyes, you’re wearing colored contacts!” Which I didn’t realize was a neg for years; I do have striking eyes so I’m not surprised when people comment on them. But at the same time I was always annoyed and baffled at their insistence. I already told you I’m not wearing contacts, and I can hardly prove a negative. What do you want me to do, pop my whole eyeball out?
Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s hot, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?
